How Does It Feel ?

Death..
How does it feel?
It seems like a better place.
Comfy.
Peace.
No more problems.
Nothing can disturb you.

I really wanna die..
Really wanna die..

-L.G-

Dieu, please!

Can i have a nice "Wake Up" moment?
Why i always got a bad "Hello" to start the day?
Come on, Dieu!
I need something to make my days..
Please.

Stick and Stones

I wish she have any album or any other songs.. She's beautiful and crazy.. And her voice is amazing..
She really need to make some solo album..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YH9ki_UMvAA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Tu Me Manquest

I miss you..
I just imagine that you're still here..
You wipe away my tears..
But in fact..
This tears can't stop..
This heart still hurt..
No one can stop it..
No one can change it but you..

It is too hard to realize that you're gone..
Everytime i try to calm down,
This hurt get more stronger..

Ma..
It's hurt..
Im sick..
Everything get worse..
I feels like i can't hold it any longer..

Ma..
Help me..
Tell God to take me!

Ma..
Please..

Ma..
I need you!

Ma..
I wanna lay beside you!

Today -pt.2-

And, readers,

Jika kau bertemu orang itu, sampaikan salamku dan salam ibuku padanya. Dan katakan bahwa saya menangis. Karena saya akan tetap menangis jika melihat papa saya bersama orang itu.

Readers, whoever you are, let me tell you something..
A human must have a heart. And never use it to hurt anyone else. Never.. Or you're gonna lose more than a person in your life.
_______
Saya bukan orang yang kuat dan tegar seperti moma. Saya terlalu lemah.. Saya tidak bisa bertahan selama bertahun-tahun seperti moma. Saya merasa tidak sanggup.

Readers, saya takut.

Today

Dear readers,
"Kau tahu, hidup ini sulit. Beberapa orang dapat melaluinya. Orang yang lainnya, tidak mampu."

Saya baru tidur jam 7 pagi dan bangun jam 1 siang.
Pukul 4 sore, hp saya berdering. Sebuah panggilan dari "Anjing". Seperti biasa, saya tidak menjawab panggilannya. Namun, ada satu hal yang tidak bisa lepas dari pikiran saya..

"Mungkin, papa saya sudah memutuskan untuk memilih dia. Jika itu benar, apa boleh buat.."
___
Jika kau bertanya kepada saya "Apakah kau takut?", tentu saya takut. Saya selalu takut..
Tapi saya siap untuk mati.. Jika papa saya memilih orang itu, maka saya akan menyerah. Saya sudah katakan berkali-kali bahwa saya lebih baik mati daripada melihat ayah saya bersama orang itu.
___
Dan saya ingin sampaikan sesuatu..
Jika saya pergi nanti, tolong jangan tangisi kematian saya.. Tangisi saja hidup saya setelah kepergian moma saya. Tangisi saja hidup saya yang hancur karena seorang janda beranak dua yang sudah membuat ibu saya sakit hati hingga ibu saya meninggal.
Please dont cry bcoz im so glad to die..
_____
Greeting

Ma....

Ma..
Aku takut..
Takut kalah menghadapinya..

Ma..
Andai kau masih disini..
Apa yang akan kau lakukan ketika orang itu datang?

Ma..
I really wanna die now..
Everytime i remember your broken heart.. I wanna kill her..
But i know i may not.. Thats why i feel like i wanna die..

I better die, ma..
Than to watch her with papa..
I better die, ma..
Than to hear her name spoken out of papa's mouth..

Ma..
Im sick, ma..

Allah..
Help me..
Give me strenght..
And dont let that person with my father..
Im beggin you, Allah my God..
Im begging you..

Berbeda Tanpa Hadirmu

Ma..
Ini sedikit lucu.. Tapi seandainya kau masih disini.. Mungkin semua masakan ini akan terasa lezat.. Tidak kurang atau kelebihan apapun.. Entah bahan apa saja yang mereka gunakan dalam semua makanan ini..

Dulu kaulah sang ahli memasak.. Sekarang tanpa dirimu, setiap masakan di setiap acara yang diadakan tidak sesedap masakanmu..

Kemarin mie goreng terlalu banyak micin.. Bahkan hari ini pun soto tidak ada rasanya..
Lucu sekali..

Lucu karena bahkan tidak hadirnya moma juga mempengaruhi rasa masakan di setiap acara keluarga..
Ma..
You're still the best chef, Ma..

She Used To Be Bussy

My cousin's wedding party will be held at 17th of August in Malang (East Java, Indonesia)..

If my mom is here now.. She would make herself so busy handling all the things from cookin till decoration.. All the details.. All the simple things.. It wont passed of her eyes and mind..

Moma..
If only you're still here..
I wont feel alone..
I will show wide smile..
I wont keep in silent..

Mom..
Are you happy now?
Your beloved nephew..
Like a son to you..
My cousin..
Like a brother to me..
He's going to marry soon..

Mom..
I wish you're happy..
And i wish i can really happy..

Catterpilar

-A quotation from a miley cyrus's song-

"Catterpilar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream..."

HEI YO! BITCH! YOU'RE FUCKING DRIPPIN!!

-It is 2:25 AM when i begins to write this-

I was trying to kill myself on last Eid Al-Fithr. It was my first time to celebrate it without my mom. But that wasn't my only reason to did, you kno, suicide.

Papa. He's my reason.
So i was a bit happy. Just a bit happy -because no mom- to celebrated that special day. But only in one night, my dad broke it.

He took me, my lil brother, and my cousin to visit his friend. I didn't know who. I was just keep silent.. But in my mind, i guessed he will take me to that bitch's house.. And thats true.. Totaly true..

We came in her house. I felt so hot inside. So mad. It was so hard to shaking hand with her. But i remembered what my mom said,

"We may hate her. But we have to do it to respect papa."

(God! Please take me! Just take me soon!)

I was tryin not to explode. And i thought that my dad realized it.. He soon asked permition to go. So we went away.

But my heart has broken.. Crushed.. -maybe like a miror smash to pieces-
I was tryin to hold on all night. Hold on in tears that droped from my tears. Wished that tomorrow will be a better day.

In the next morning, i woke up with madness. Madness because my dad's cellphone got some missed call. Wonder when was my dad going. Because it keep ringing, i decided to check. And that was those bitch. -FUCK YOU! DAMN!-
I was getting angry that way. Just that way. But i wasnt mean to pick up the call.

But she wasnt stop calling. -Fuck again! Maybe this bitch wont stop if my dad didnt answer the call-
So i decided to answer it, BUT,,, I GOT AN IDEA! I told my cousin,
"i'll answer it but will say nothing.. And to gave a sweet add, i'll give her a song."
So i answer it, say nothing but played a hardcore song. OMG i was laughing so hard! Lol

She then closed the phone and called my brother's number -WTF! Where the heck she knew his number? Oh right! Beloved papa!- -My lil brother was out with papa. He left his phone at home-
But.. I did the same way..
Then she called my number.. I keep doing the same..

Not long.. My dad and brother came home. Then she texted me.. Uhmm.. Well...
"-I DONT WANNA READ THAT MESSAGE SO IDK WHAT THE FUCK SHE WAS TELLING ME. AND IDEC BOUT IT-"

That wasnt what she texted to me but tbh idek what was she said bcoz i wasnt read it.. I was just open it, showed it to my cousin and then i quickly erased it.. Just like that..
But at least my cousin read it..
JUST LIKE THAT!! I DIDNT EVEN REPLY THAT GODDAMN MESSAGE! PAPA,,, HEAR ME! PLEASE! I DIDNT REPLY HER MESSAGE!! I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE SAID!!!

My dad told my aunt -my cousin's mother- that the bitch told my dad, "How did you take care of your children? She was said 'fuck' to me."

WHAT?? IN THAT "PHONE INTERACTION MOMENTS" I WAS SAY NOTHING TO YOU, BITCH!!

I GAVE YOU SONGS TO HEAR AND THAT WHAT YOU SAID TO MY DAD?

A BEING LIKE YOU WANNA CHANGE MY MOM BESIDE MY DAD??

PLEASE GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FAMILY'S LIFE! FROM MY PAPA- FROM MY BROTHER! FROM ME!

I JUST WANT YOU TO GO AWAY!!

YOU MADE MY MOM'S HEART BROKEN UNTILL SHE PASSED AWAY! WHY ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

IM NOT MY MOM! I CANT HOLD ON FOR YEARS! I CANT KEEP MY FEELING HIDEN FOR YEARS!! I CANT!

I BETTER DIE! BITCH IF YOU WANT MY DAD, JUST KILL ME! EVEN THOUGH I WILL NEVER APROVE YOU, JUST KILL ME!! IT'S BETTER!!

I HAVE REALLY SERIOUS INSOMNIA BECAUSE WHEN I TRYNA CLOSE MY EYES THOSE MIND ABOUT "WHAT IF SHE MARRIED MY DAD?" "WHAT IF SHE SOLD THIS HOUSE?" AND ANOTHER "WHAT IF" KEEP MAKES ME AWAKE.. I DONT WANT IT HAPPEN!!
PLEASE, BITCH! KILL ME!!

I AM NOW A BAD GIRL IN MY DAD'S EYES BECAUSE OF YOU BITCH!! YOU BROKE MY LIFE!! I WAS LOSING 2 YEARS MY TIME WITH MY PARENTS BECAUSE ALL OF THE EDUCATION AGENDAS! AND DURING THOSE TWO YEARS YOU ADDED IT WITH YOUR WAY BROKE MY FAMILY!
YOU BROKE MY LIFE!
WHEN I BACK HOME LAST YEAR, I WISH THAT I CAN GET MY LIFE AGAIN.. BUT NO.. I COULDNT.. AND BY THE 1ST OF FEBRUARY 2014, I LOST THAT CHANCE TO GET MY LIFE BACK.

SINCE 1ST FEBRUARY AND UNTILL FOREVER -I DONT KNOW WHEN IS IT- MY LIFE WILL NEVER BACK!!

CONGRATULATION!! YOU KILLED TWO WOMAN SOUL AND HEART!!

ENOUGH! IM DONE!

-3:45 AM when i finished this-