Entah Kapan

Entah kapan, tapi aku belum mengerti
Entah kapan, tapi aku masih bermimpi
Entah kapan, tapi aku lelah sekali
Entah kapan, tapi aku 'tak akan bangun lagi

Entah kapan, tapi hidup ini begitu berarti
Entah kapan, tapi aku masih ingin disini
Entah kapan, tapi aku masih berlari

Entah kapan, tapi waktuku pasti tiba nanti
Entah kapan, tapi aku tidak berjanji akan kembali
Entah kapan, tapi aku tidak berjanji kita akan bertemu lagi 

Maafkan aku, Ma.

Ma..
Aku sangat sakit sekarang..
Papa, adek, omer, dan teman-temanku..
Semuanya sudah berubah sekarang..

Ma..
Aku sendirian..
Tidak ada orang yang berdiri untuk berjuang bersamaku..

Ma..
Maafkan aku yang tidak bisa membuatmu bangga..

Ma..
Aku kangen mama..
Aku ingin memeluk mama..
Aku ingin menangis dipelukanmu, ma..

Ma..
Maafkan aku, ma..
Maafkan aku..

Aku belum mampu..
Dan mungkin tidak akan mampu membanggakanmu, ma..
Maafkan aku..
Maaf..

Pa

Pa..
Pernah ga sekali saja papa sadar bahwa orang itu merusak hidupku dan keluarga papa?

Pa..
Pernah ga sekali saja papa sadar seberapa sering papa menyakiti hati mama dulu?

Pa..
Aku juga wanita. Aku mengerti rasanya sakit hati.

Pa..
Aku seorang anak yang jatuh dan tenggelam karena hidupku yang telah rusak.

Pa..
Aku seorang anak yang menyaksikan hancurnya kasih sayang dalam suatu keluarga.

Pa..
Aku sudah putuskan..
Aku akan mengakhiri semuanya.

Aku menyayangimu.
Aku ingin menjadi berguna.
Tapi, jika aku tidak bisa berguna untuk orang tuaku,
Aku ingin berguna untuk orang lain.

Maafkan aku, pa.

Dieu

Dieu
Forgive me
Forgive me
Forgive me
Forgive me
Because i cut the time you've given to me
Im sorry Dieu
Please forgive me!
Dieu please forgive me!
Forgive me because this revenge i cant forget
Because this hate i cant erase

Forgive me Dieu
Forgive me
I dont wanna live again dieu
Please kill me!
I dont wanna see her in my life dieu
I can't

Please dieu i beg you
Help me dieu
Ya allah
Kill me
Please i beg you
Dieu

Meet Chappie This Spring

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhNshgSYF_M&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Ketika

Ketika waktu telah berhenti..
Kemana kita akan pergi?
Kemana kita akan melangkahkan kaki?

Ketika manusia tak ada lagi..
Bagaimana dengan memori yang telah terjadi?
Bagaimana setiap cerita dapat bertahan?

Ketika kita telah mati..
Kemana kita melangkahkan kaki?
Dan..
Bagaimana cerita kita akan terkenang?

Semua cerita..
Tentang kita..

-L.G.-

Thanks

Saya tidak tahu apa yang kamu ceritakan kepada mereka..
Tapi berkat kamu.. Teman saya menjauh..

Sekarang saya benar-benar sendiri..
Terimakasih
-L.G.-

I'm Dying

Im dying.
I cant even feels my feet touch the ground when i walk.

No One, Dieu, No One.

Dieu...

Everything has change now..

Everyone leave me..

Everyone..

I stand alone now...

And im about to fall..

I have no one to keep me up..

I have no one to fight for me..

My bone is cracked..

I feel the pain.

Everytime.

Nobody hear me.

Nobody.

But i hear their voice..

The sound of their laugh..

Makes me fall more deep into sadness.

Because i realize..

That no one with me..

No one stand with me..

No one fight for me..

Dieu..

When i can't survive,

Please take care of everyone i loved..

Because i know..

You love them more than i do..

Because i know..

You won't let them feel the same pain as what i feel..

Thanks, Dieu..

For each breathe..

For every laugh..

For every single tears that has fall down..

And For every second in my life...

Merci, Dieu..

And I'm sorry...

-L.G.-

Prayers From A Cracked Egg

I am a cracked egg..
Siap atau tidak, aku akan pecah.
___________________________________

Saya sadar saya telah membiarkan duka ini berjalan bersama hari-hari saya.
Karena memang sulit untuk menyadari bahwa moma telah pergi.
Saya juga sadar bahwa setelah moma pergi ada setidaknya 5 orang di keluarga saya yang bisa menjaga saya agar saya tidak terjatuh. Kakung (grandpa), uti (grandma), pakpoh, dan bude..
Tapi itu dulu.

In fact, now, it is different.
I just have my grandpa with me now.
Bahkan nenek yang selalu saya andalkan untuk membela saya pun berbalik arah.

Setiap bangun tidur, masalah-masalah ini yang selalu muncul di pikiran saya.

Tentang papa yang tetap mempertahankan hubunganya dengan perempuan jalang yang sudah merusak hidup saya dan membuat moma saya meninggal membawa sakit hati.

Tentang orang-orang yang tiba-tiba menerima hubungan mereka, termasuk nenek saya.

Sekarang, siapa yang bisa membantu saya berdiri tegak?
Kakek? Apa yang bisa kami lakukan jika hanya berdua? Apakah saya bisa bertahan?

Saya seperti telur yang cangkangnya retak. Dengan benturan-benturan dari satu sisi yang terus menghantam. Dan tidak ada yang dapat mencegah mereka.
Siap atau tidak, saya akan pecah.

Karena jika papa memilih anjing itu, maka dia telah siap dengan kematian saya. Dan saya tahu orang-orang itu sadar dengan konsekuensinya.

Saya bingung..
Kepada siapa saya bisa mengeluh dan menangis?
Siapa yang bisa menjaga saya agar tidak pecah?

Tuhan?
Saya selalu berdoa kepada-Nya.
Tapi setiap hari benturan-benturan ini semakin keras..

Dan doa yang saya ucapkan menjadi kata-kata maaf.

Tuhan..
Maafkan saya jika suatu hari nanti saya mengakhiri hidup saya.
Dan maafkan saya karena saya tidak bisa merestui hubungan papa saya dengan perempuan jalang itu, bahkan hingga setelah saya mati.
Maafkan saya karena tidak bisa menjadi anak yang baik. Maafkan saya karena tidak bisa membahagiakan orang tua saya. Maafkan saya karena telah mempersingkat waktu yang Kau berikan.
Jika Kau tidak bisa mengampuni dosa-dosaku ini, tolong ampuni dosa kedua orang tuaku.
Karena saya menyayangi mereka, dan saya tahu Kau juga menyayangi mereka lebih dariku.
Jika neraka yang Kau berikan padaku, aku rela, asalkan Kau beri orang tuaku surga-Mu. Karena bagi saya mereka adalah orang yang lebih berharga dari emas. Meski kasih sayang yang saya dapat dari mereka tidak sebesar kasih sayang-Mu kepada hamba-Mu.

Tuhan..
Ini doa saya..
Dan saya berterima kasih kepada-Mu atas waktu dan kehidupan yang telah Kau berikan, karena hanya dengan kuasa-Mu saya dapat bertahan.

-L.G.-

Ya Begitu Lah..

Jika anda berkata, "Ya Allah sudah saya sampaikan agamamu."

Asal anda tahu, pak, saya ingin sekali berkata kepada anda,
"Pak, doakan saja agar saya cepat mati. Saya sudah lelah hidup di dunia dan bertemu orang-orang rasis seperti anda. Jadi tolong berhenti! Doakan saja saya cepat mati!"

Saya ingin sekali mati, pak!

Teman Yang Baik?

Bagaimana orang dapat dikatakan sebagai teman jika orang-orang itu sendiri yang semakin merusak harimu?

Saya tahu bagaimana rasanya dibully! Selama 6 tahun kemarin saya merasakannya!
Dan saya tidak mau lagi! Saya berharap hidup saya lebih baik!
Saya sudah terlalu penat dengan masalah di rumah!

Saya hanya ingin menyelesaikan study!
Tapi bagaimana saya bisa konsentrasi jika dosen saya is the bullyer?

Sampai saat ini pun saya mencoba bersabar!
Saya datang dengan niat untuk belajar!
Tapi the lecturer yang membuat saya semakin melupakan niat saya!

Dan kemudian, ini semua menjadi lebih parah!
Seakan-akan ini semua game atau pertunjukan yang menarik..
Orang-orang ikut bergabung seakan-akan ini hal yang lucu..

Okay.. Tidak masalah..
Tapi tolong..
Setidaknya hargai keberadaan saya..
Dan hargailah niat saya!

Ini Deskriminasi! Dimana Bhineka Tunggal Ika?

-Sebenarnya sistem pemerintahan dan sistem hukumnya tidak salah..
Yang bermasalah itu orang-orangnya..-

Orang-orang yang masih melakukan deskriminasi terhadap orang lain dengan alasan agama (religy), ras
(race), dan masih banyak hal yang pada intinya merupakan "Perbedaan".

Di Indonesia ada istilah "Bhineka Tunggal Ika" yang berarti "Berbeda-beda Tetapi Tetap Satu"

Tapi menurut saya itu akan tetap sulit untuk diwujudkan karena orang-orang itu sendiri yang masih saja menerapkan satu kegiatan yang dinamakan "DESKRIMINASI"

Oh come on!
Inilah kenapa saya benci berada disini. Untuk apa ada kata "Menghargai", kalau makna sebenarnya disisihkan?

Pikirkan, Pak!

WHEN LIFE IS NO LONGER MEAN

-Sometimes i feel like i have to stay alive.. But when something come to broke the entire of my life, that feeling will no longer be the same.-

And that's how people change..
They're not changing by their way..
People change people..
They change each other..
And then, they judge each other for who they are now..

And that's how all the things begin..
All the things that collaborated in a word..
Bully..
That its all about...

That's how a person whole life can be different from it was..

When they got bullied, no one can help them..
The bullyers are the only people that can help..
By became friend to each other, and laughing together..

But if the victims can not hold on tight for what they got,
Then love has no longer meaning in their life..
All they know is just pain..

Sometime..

Some people can made it..
They will make what they got in their past as the suport for them to get better in the future..

But some others..
They just can't..
They have no mean for this life..
It's all about pain and death..
Because it hurts..
The feeling..

For them who couldn't make it,
Life is just something that has no mean..
Life is just something that broke and need to be destroyed..


-L.G.-

How Does It Feel ?

Death..
How does it feel?
It seems like a better place.
Comfy.
Peace.
No more problems.
Nothing can disturb you.

I really wanna die..
Really wanna die..

-L.G-

Dieu, please!

Can i have a nice "Wake Up" moment?
Why i always got a bad "Hello" to start the day?
Come on, Dieu!
I need something to make my days..
Please.

Stick and Stones

I wish she have any album or any other songs.. She's beautiful and crazy.. And her voice is amazing..
She really need to make some solo album..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YH9ki_UMvAA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Tu Me Manquest

I miss you..
I just imagine that you're still here..
You wipe away my tears..
But in fact..
This tears can't stop..
This heart still hurt..
No one can stop it..
No one can change it but you..

It is too hard to realize that you're gone..
Everytime i try to calm down,
This hurt get more stronger..

Ma..
It's hurt..
Im sick..
Everything get worse..
I feels like i can't hold it any longer..

Ma..
Help me..
Tell God to take me!

Ma..
Please..

Ma..
I need you!

Ma..
I wanna lay beside you!

Today -pt.2-

And, readers,

Jika kau bertemu orang itu, sampaikan salamku dan salam ibuku padanya. Dan katakan bahwa saya menangis. Karena saya akan tetap menangis jika melihat papa saya bersama orang itu.

Readers, whoever you are, let me tell you something..
A human must have a heart. And never use it to hurt anyone else. Never.. Or you're gonna lose more than a person in your life.
_______
Saya bukan orang yang kuat dan tegar seperti moma. Saya terlalu lemah.. Saya tidak bisa bertahan selama bertahun-tahun seperti moma. Saya merasa tidak sanggup.

Readers, saya takut.

Today

Dear readers,
"Kau tahu, hidup ini sulit. Beberapa orang dapat melaluinya. Orang yang lainnya, tidak mampu."

Saya baru tidur jam 7 pagi dan bangun jam 1 siang.
Pukul 4 sore, hp saya berdering. Sebuah panggilan dari "Anjing". Seperti biasa, saya tidak menjawab panggilannya. Namun, ada satu hal yang tidak bisa lepas dari pikiran saya..

"Mungkin, papa saya sudah memutuskan untuk memilih dia. Jika itu benar, apa boleh buat.."
___
Jika kau bertanya kepada saya "Apakah kau takut?", tentu saya takut. Saya selalu takut..
Tapi saya siap untuk mati.. Jika papa saya memilih orang itu, maka saya akan menyerah. Saya sudah katakan berkali-kali bahwa saya lebih baik mati daripada melihat ayah saya bersama orang itu.
___
Dan saya ingin sampaikan sesuatu..
Jika saya pergi nanti, tolong jangan tangisi kematian saya.. Tangisi saja hidup saya setelah kepergian moma saya. Tangisi saja hidup saya yang hancur karena seorang janda beranak dua yang sudah membuat ibu saya sakit hati hingga ibu saya meninggal.
Please dont cry bcoz im so glad to die..
_____
Greeting

Ma....

Ma..
Aku takut..
Takut kalah menghadapinya..

Ma..
Andai kau masih disini..
Apa yang akan kau lakukan ketika orang itu datang?

Ma..
I really wanna die now..
Everytime i remember your broken heart.. I wanna kill her..
But i know i may not.. Thats why i feel like i wanna die..

I better die, ma..
Than to watch her with papa..
I better die, ma..
Than to hear her name spoken out of papa's mouth..

Ma..
Im sick, ma..

Allah..
Help me..
Give me strenght..
And dont let that person with my father..
Im beggin you, Allah my God..
Im begging you..

Berbeda Tanpa Hadirmu

Ma..
Ini sedikit lucu.. Tapi seandainya kau masih disini.. Mungkin semua masakan ini akan terasa lezat.. Tidak kurang atau kelebihan apapun.. Entah bahan apa saja yang mereka gunakan dalam semua makanan ini..

Dulu kaulah sang ahli memasak.. Sekarang tanpa dirimu, setiap masakan di setiap acara yang diadakan tidak sesedap masakanmu..

Kemarin mie goreng terlalu banyak micin.. Bahkan hari ini pun soto tidak ada rasanya..
Lucu sekali..

Lucu karena bahkan tidak hadirnya moma juga mempengaruhi rasa masakan di setiap acara keluarga..
Ma..
You're still the best chef, Ma..

She Used To Be Bussy

My cousin's wedding party will be held at 17th of August in Malang (East Java, Indonesia)..

If my mom is here now.. She would make herself so busy handling all the things from cookin till decoration.. All the details.. All the simple things.. It wont passed of her eyes and mind..

Moma..
If only you're still here..
I wont feel alone..
I will show wide smile..
I wont keep in silent..

Mom..
Are you happy now?
Your beloved nephew..
Like a son to you..
My cousin..
Like a brother to me..
He's going to marry soon..

Mom..
I wish you're happy..
And i wish i can really happy..

Catterpilar

-A quotation from a miley cyrus's song-

"Catterpilar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream..."

HEI YO! BITCH! YOU'RE FUCKING DRIPPIN!!

-It is 2:25 AM when i begins to write this-

I was trying to kill myself on last Eid Al-Fithr. It was my first time to celebrate it without my mom. But that wasn't my only reason to did, you kno, suicide.

Papa. He's my reason.
So i was a bit happy. Just a bit happy -because no mom- to celebrated that special day. But only in one night, my dad broke it.

He took me, my lil brother, and my cousin to visit his friend. I didn't know who. I was just keep silent.. But in my mind, i guessed he will take me to that bitch's house.. And thats true.. Totaly true..

We came in her house. I felt so hot inside. So mad. It was so hard to shaking hand with her. But i remembered what my mom said,

"We may hate her. But we have to do it to respect papa."

(God! Please take me! Just take me soon!)

I was tryin not to explode. And i thought that my dad realized it.. He soon asked permition to go. So we went away.

But my heart has broken.. Crushed.. -maybe like a miror smash to pieces-
I was tryin to hold on all night. Hold on in tears that droped from my tears. Wished that tomorrow will be a better day.

In the next morning, i woke up with madness. Madness because my dad's cellphone got some missed call. Wonder when was my dad going. Because it keep ringing, i decided to check. And that was those bitch. -FUCK YOU! DAMN!-
I was getting angry that way. Just that way. But i wasnt mean to pick up the call.

But she wasnt stop calling. -Fuck again! Maybe this bitch wont stop if my dad didnt answer the call-
So i decided to answer it, BUT,,, I GOT AN IDEA! I told my cousin,
"i'll answer it but will say nothing.. And to gave a sweet add, i'll give her a song."
So i answer it, say nothing but played a hardcore song. OMG i was laughing so hard! Lol

She then closed the phone and called my brother's number -WTF! Where the heck she knew his number? Oh right! Beloved papa!- -My lil brother was out with papa. He left his phone at home-
But.. I did the same way..
Then she called my number.. I keep doing the same..

Not long.. My dad and brother came home. Then she texted me.. Uhmm.. Well...
"-I DONT WANNA READ THAT MESSAGE SO IDK WHAT THE FUCK SHE WAS TELLING ME. AND IDEC BOUT IT-"

That wasnt what she texted to me but tbh idek what was she said bcoz i wasnt read it.. I was just open it, showed it to my cousin and then i quickly erased it.. Just like that..
But at least my cousin read it..
JUST LIKE THAT!! I DIDNT EVEN REPLY THAT GODDAMN MESSAGE! PAPA,,, HEAR ME! PLEASE! I DIDNT REPLY HER MESSAGE!! I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE SAID!!!

My dad told my aunt -my cousin's mother- that the bitch told my dad, "How did you take care of your children? She was said 'fuck' to me."

WHAT?? IN THAT "PHONE INTERACTION MOMENTS" I WAS SAY NOTHING TO YOU, BITCH!!

I GAVE YOU SONGS TO HEAR AND THAT WHAT YOU SAID TO MY DAD?

A BEING LIKE YOU WANNA CHANGE MY MOM BESIDE MY DAD??

PLEASE GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY FAMILY'S LIFE! FROM MY PAPA- FROM MY BROTHER! FROM ME!

I JUST WANT YOU TO GO AWAY!!

YOU MADE MY MOM'S HEART BROKEN UNTILL SHE PASSED AWAY! WHY ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

IM NOT MY MOM! I CANT HOLD ON FOR YEARS! I CANT KEEP MY FEELING HIDEN FOR YEARS!! I CANT!

I BETTER DIE! BITCH IF YOU WANT MY DAD, JUST KILL ME! EVEN THOUGH I WILL NEVER APROVE YOU, JUST KILL ME!! IT'S BETTER!!

I HAVE REALLY SERIOUS INSOMNIA BECAUSE WHEN I TRYNA CLOSE MY EYES THOSE MIND ABOUT "WHAT IF SHE MARRIED MY DAD?" "WHAT IF SHE SOLD THIS HOUSE?" AND ANOTHER "WHAT IF" KEEP MAKES ME AWAKE.. I DONT WANT IT HAPPEN!!
PLEASE, BITCH! KILL ME!!

I AM NOW A BAD GIRL IN MY DAD'S EYES BECAUSE OF YOU BITCH!! YOU BROKE MY LIFE!! I WAS LOSING 2 YEARS MY TIME WITH MY PARENTS BECAUSE ALL OF THE EDUCATION AGENDAS! AND DURING THOSE TWO YEARS YOU ADDED IT WITH YOUR WAY BROKE MY FAMILY!
YOU BROKE MY LIFE!
WHEN I BACK HOME LAST YEAR, I WISH THAT I CAN GET MY LIFE AGAIN.. BUT NO.. I COULDNT.. AND BY THE 1ST OF FEBRUARY 2014, I LOST THAT CHANCE TO GET MY LIFE BACK.

SINCE 1ST FEBRUARY AND UNTILL FOREVER -I DONT KNOW WHEN IS IT- MY LIFE WILL NEVER BACK!!

CONGRATULATION!! YOU KILLED TWO WOMAN SOUL AND HEART!!

ENOUGH! IM DONE!

-3:45 AM when i finished this-

IF ONLY

If only I knew you  too soon,
Mybe you will still here..
If only I met you that time..
Maybe you will stay here..
If only I could tell you the truth,
Because now I'm so lost..
If only I could talking to you..
Because I know that you want to..
If only I could stay for one more minutes..
Because I would love to see you one more time..

If only I could stay..
If only I could meet you..
If only I could see you..
If only I could be your..
If only I could..
If only I..
If only..

HELLo MY Day

My Day..
What else i could say.. I was dying.. And now one more hurt has come to me..
What should i do... I was suffer.. And now one more strugle let me came in..
I pray to God everyday.. everynight.. I pray to God to take me.. But untill i post this, im still alive..

I lose every reason to live.. what should i do..
I lose my Mom..
And I just broke up with my boyfriend..

I have no reason to live..
Everything has gone..

My Day..
Help me..
God..

My Mother Has Passed Away

It has been long long long time im not posting in this block.


Well...
This is some new news from me..

My mother  has passed away at February, 1st 2014 because breast cancer, but then, we had told that she had bone cancer before she got breast cancer. A shock for me. But i've trying to be strong. Im still trying to keep smiling even when i wanna cry. Im so often to cry everynight. I miss her. Alot.

I miss her... Alot..
I miss you.. Mom..